Couples often tell us, “We argue about everything: the dishes, money, the kids, how we spend weekends.” When we slow these arguments down, a surprising pattern usually appears. The topics change, but the way the conversation unfolds is almost always the same.
The pattern beneath the argument
In Emotion Focused Therapy (EFT), this is called the negative cycle. One of the most common versions looks like this:
- One partner feels disconnected or unheard and reaches out more strongly: raising concerns, criticising or pushing for a response.
- The other partner feels overwhelmed or criticised and pulls back: going quiet, defending, or leaving the room to keep the peace.
The more one pursues, the more the other withdraws. The more one withdraws, the more the other pursues. Both are trying to protect the relationship in their own way, yet together they create distance neither of them wants.
Why blame doesn’t help
When couples are caught in this cycle, it is natural to see the other person as the problem: “If only you’d listen,” or “If only you’d stop nagging.” But blame tends to feed the cycle, because it makes each partner feel more alone and more defensive.
A helpful shift is to see the cycle as the common enemy, rather than each other. This doesn’t mean ignoring hurt or responsibility. It means understanding how each partner’s reactions make sense, and how they affect one another.
What’s underneath the reactions
Beneath anger or withdrawal there are usually softer feelings: fear of not mattering, worry about failing, hurt, or loneliness. These deeper emotions are often hard to show, so they come out sideways as criticism or silence.
When partners can begin to share what is really happening inside, the conversation changes. It becomes less about winning a point and more about reaching each other.
Small steps you can try
- Notice the moment the cycle starts. Saying “I think we’re in our pattern again” can help you pause.
- Take a short break, then come back. Agree on a time to return so the break doesn’t feel like abandonment.
- Speak from underneath. Try “I feel worried we’re drifting apart” rather than “You never make time for me.”
- Listen for the feeling, not just the words. Ask yourself what your partner might be afraid of.
How couples counselling can help
In couples counselling, we help both partners slow things down, map their cycle together and understand the emotions that drive it. Sessions are calm, structured and paced with attention to safety for both of you, including when intimacy has become difficult to talk about.
If you’d like support, read more about couples counselling or book a session with Carlos. Sessions are available in English and Spanish.
This article is general information only and isn’t a substitute for personalised advice. If you need urgent support, call 000 or Lifeline on 13 11 14.
